Choices

I was talking with a friend the other day...another crunchy mama...about how I often feel like I don't want to "complain" about how things are going when I'm having a rough day to my friends who have made more mainstream life choices than I have. For whatever reason, I feel like it would be tantamount to saying that my choices aren't working and I should have stayed on the conventional path all the time and not made some of these "strange" choices that I have for myself and my family. I don't like feeling this way and I know enough to know that this is more about me worrying about being judged or worrying that maybe I have made things more difficult with my choices but I don't entirely think that's fair. We all make choices about our parenting whether we stay with mainstream choices or we forge a new or lightly-used path. In the end, we're all just trying to do the best we can for our kids.

For example, at nearly 22 months, my twins are still nursing and we have no plans to stop anytime soon. Sometimes, it's not so fun to be nursing toddlers. Sometimes they try to do acrobatics while nursing and it hurts! It's not always easy for them to keep their teeth out of it and it's a special kind of pain to have your toddler try to talk while nursing. Does that mean that I don't think it's worth it to still be nursing my toddlers? Absolutely not. I adore nursing them. It's such a wonderful bonding time, especially as they get busier. It's this perfect grounding time for them when things get a little too crazy or when they push their independence to the limit of their comfort zone. I love knowing that they can come back to mommy and nurse to feel better and know that they are still deeply connected to me. I believe that it has very positive effects on all of us. I've experienced weaning one of my kids before I was truly ready and feeling that regret so I won't stop nursing just because it's uncomfortable sometimes and I believe that I'll just know when we're all ready to be done but I'm really hoping that it's not for quite awhile yet.

At almost 22 months, my babies still don't sleep through the night and they still sleep right next to me in bed and I'm okay with this too...most of the time. I do have my moments when we have nights where someone isn't feeling well and spends a good share of the night nursing or fussing or sleeping fitfully. I've been at my wits end where I get into bed and have exactly 15 minutes of sleep before getting woken up and then being woken up every 1-2 hours for months at a time. Is it fun? Not really but it's not the end of the world either and I appreciate the sleep that I do get so much. We celebrate our nights where everyone sleeps so peacefully. I can really see that they are working within their own comfort systems to learn to self-soothe and put themselves back to sleep. It gets a little "better" every night and I can look back and see just how far we've come and knowing that, I can see that it's going to continue like that. I've also felt the heartache of letting my babies cry it out and forcing them to self-soothe. I've felt that feeling in the pit of my stomach that's telling me that this isn't okay with me but I didn't know what that was at the time and I didn't know that there were other choices that I could make. Every time I've been frustrated with being so tired I could scream, I've given myself permission to let them cry-it-out but I never do. I know it's an option and it's one that a lot of people use with varying success but I also know that it's not part of who I am or how I want to parent my kids so I don't do it because I know that there are other choices that fit better with my parenting style and beliefs. And there is nothing, just nothing better than waking up and being surrounded by my precious kiddos with their morning faces and their cuddly countenances. It just doesn't get better than that and it's a wonderful way to start the day.

Yes, there are times when I want to throw my cloth diapers out the window and not wash another one but I'm so accustomed to them now that throwing away a regular disposable diaper is the same to me as putting an aluminum can in the garbage. I just can't do it. So I wash another load of diapers and sometimes use biodegradeable disposables when I need a break and man we're going to have a huge party with a big ol' mama happy dance on the day that I do my final load! And I will know that I was true to myself.

And there are times when I consider putting my kids in school because homeschooling is tough and there are times when I've wondered if it's worth the added stress. But when I seriously think about it, there are too many good things about homeschooling for our family and most of all, my kids WANT to be homeschooled and I love it, even when it's hard.

So what's my point here? My point is that we all make choices with our parenting and there are a lot to make from breastfeeding to sleeping arrangements to circumcision to vaccinations, school options and a whole vast universe in between. In the end, does it matter what choices we make as long as they are conscientiously made and have the best interests of our children at heart? Probably not. But it does matter to us as parents. We need to make the choices that are consistent with who we are and what we believe. Just because I make a certain choice for my family doesn't mean that it's the right choice for everyone but I've learned enough on my parenting journey to know what feels right to me and what doesn't and I know that for me, when I get that feeling of dis-ease in the pit of my stomach and an ache in my heart, I'm not being true to myself and being true to myself is more important to me than getting a full nights sleep or no more sore nipples or having a huge amount of time to myself. I only have this one chance with each of my kids to do the best that I can and I don't want to look back and have regrets because with kids, there's no do-over.

I know that I shouldn't be afraid to vent when I need to vent because we all have those days and there's no such thing as a perfect parent. We're all doing the best we can with the tools that we have right now in this moment and in every moment, our best is different. The last thing we need to do is to spend our time and energy judging other parents for their choices or worrying that we're being judged. We're all in this together, in the end. Collectively, we're raising the next generation in the best way that we know how, just like our parents did with us and back and back and back. So far, everything's turned out pretty well so we have no reason to believe that it will be any different with our kids, right? Right. So here's to conscious choices and Happy Parenting!

Wait for it...

So we were at Costco last night and as we walked in we were confronted by...Christmas trees. Seriously. And not JUST the trees. They had ribbon and wrapping paper and ornaments and more. As the boys and I were walking through and making comments of wonder that they have their stuff out this early, M says "Jesus!" I turn around to admonish him for swearing and he says "No mom. There's a Jesus right there." Sure enough, there was.

It was the best laugh we've had together in a long time.

Feelings

Spend any time at my house and eventually you'll witness someone biting someone else, a full blown temper tantrum that would impress any contortionist or advanced yogi or a well-placed smack that is only lacking a pair of boxing gloves for all it's technique and passion. Some days it feels like it's only a matter of time before Social Services comes knocking at our door and what am I going to say? "Well, it all started over a cracker..." If I had a nickel for all of the times I have said "your head is not a weapon," college would be in the bag! Maybe it's part of having boys. Boys are more aggressive by nature than girls. It's a fact. It's a hormonal thing and it's something I'm starting to get used to. Or maybe it's just part of being a kid who doesn't have the words or tools to appropriately express themselves all the time. We have become such a "time-out" society that it's practically the only tool in our parenting toolbox anymore. While most of us grew up with a well-placed smack on the behind every-so-often, it's not something that any self-respecting parent is likely to admit to these days for fear of ridicule or worse. Now I'm not suggesting that we revive the old "smack and yell" techniques but I do think that it's time to add more tools to our tool box.

I recently remembered something that happened to me while I was a student living in France which really helped me to understand where my kids are coming from with regards to expressing themselves. I lived across from a beautiful park and would often walk through said park on my way home from school. I was doing just that one evening when some guy came up and stuck his hand up the back of my skirt to cop-a-feel. I was startled. I turned around to look at him and he was just standing there staring at me. I had a thousand things race through my mind. Mostly, I wanted to run after him and give him a good smacking but I didn't think I could catch him and if I did, it probably wasn't a good idea. I had many good profanities that wanted to get out but they were all in English and therefore not very effective here. I felt so helpless. The guy just violated me and he deserved whatever vengeance I could dish out but I didn't have the words or the physical ability to express myself so I ultimately just let out a primal scream which sent him running. In that moment, I felt so helpless, frustrated and angry and because I didn't have the means to express it, I was left with my screams. Remembering that made me stop to think about how often my kids must feel that exact same way. Certainly none of the crimes against them are of the same magnitude but they can evoke many of those same, big feelings that I experienced that night.

I don't have a magic answer on how to handle these tantrums. Clearly, we're just trying to work through it one set of frustrations at a time and do the best we can along the way. Naming the feeling tends to have good benefits in the long run because it allows the child to put a feeling and a name together so that the next time they feel this way, they know what it is. It seems to help more than you think it would which is interesting to me but I think that maybe it's an empathy thing. No one likes to feel like they are the only one who has ever felt this way. Not even little ones. And by having a name for the feeling, it helps you know that you're not alone. C tends to have a harder time getting his frustrations out appropriately than S does which results in S being the whipping boy around here at times and although we do our very best to intercede before it gets to that point, we don't always get there in time. It's usually worse for everyone when anyone is tired or hungry so keeping those things in check makes a big difference and we all have our time of day when things are harder for us than at other times. My time is about 4:00. The twins' time is about 6:00 and for the older boys...well it can be just about any time these days.

We also aim to always demonstrate the behaviors that we want our children to have. That's where the growth part of parenting comes into play big time. Tim and I have recently realized that we expect immediate action when we ask the kids to do something and they're not always able or willing to do that which leads to our own frustration. And then we hear M telling the others to hurry up and get moving! Oops. We decided that we need to calm down on that. It's amazing how it can sound one way coming out of your mouth and a totally different and less becoming way coming out of your children's mouths!

Self control in all things is our focus as of late for all of us. I've found that it's one of those virtues that ties into everything we do. Having the self control to not eat that cookie, not hit your brother, not yell, not nag, go to bed on time, get your responsibilities taken care of before you play, get out the door for that run, step away from the computer, and do the right thing even when you don't want to. I certainly struggle with some of those things myself so I know my children do and it's humbling to admit to your kids that you struggle too. I like to let me kids know that I'm falible. I'm not perfect and I work on myself every single day trying to be a better mom, a better wife and a better person. Tim does the same thing. We hope that it shows the kids that learning and growing is a life-long venture that is fraught with adventure, sorrow, happines and humility and that there's no such thing as being done or being perfect. Ever. After all, it's about the journey, not the destination!

Conversations

There is nothing more adorable in my life right now than watching my twins interact with each other and have actual conversations. They have always interacted with each other having never known life without one another and it's just been pure joy watching their relationship. From the time they were born, they would entwine their legs and arms and would not sleep peacefully until they had wiggled themselves together nesting right into each other. There are no words to express just how precious that sight is. When they got a bit older and started looking at each other, it was just to die for and now we have progressed to them having conversations with each other. My twins never created their own language with each other that other twins often do. I wonder if it's because they have older siblings or just because it's something that mine didn't happen to do. Both of them have been talking for quite some time with S having more clarity and proficiency but C holding his own quite well even if we can't always understand him. A few key interactions between them recently are standing out:

- I took only S to Costco with me a couple of weeks back and we were about half way through the store when he looked at the empty seat next to him, patted it and said "Gric! Meer!" Which means "C, come here!" He proceeded to talk about and call to C throughout the rest of our trip.

- We were all coming down the steps the other morning. My hands were full so I wasn't carrying a babe and C did not like that at all. I was trying to coax him down and S turned to him and said "Gric, top creamin'!" Which means "C, stop screaming!" You tell him brother!

- C got a pretzel and wanted to share with S and was yelling "Babo! wan petzul?" which means "S! Want a pretzel?" I told him that S was outside and that he should go give it to him which he did, yelling the whole time "Babo! Wan petzul?"

- One of their first conversations was when they were playing up in the back of our yard. There's a little hill and a fence with foliage between so for a little one it feels like you're being a grand adventurer. Both babes were up there playing and practicing their walking-down-a-hill skill. Tim called to them and S came out, looked at daddy, turned and went back up to find C and said, "Go. Dada. Bu-bye." while ushering him down the hill.

It's just so darn cute and there are more and more of these conversations happening every day. I love to see the relationship and the connection that they have with each other. It's amazing and it's really nice to keep those things in mind when we're having a rough day and I have the inevitable thought that some of this stuff would be so much easier if there was only one of them. I'm sure I'm not the first mom of multiples to have that thought but it always comes with a side of guilt for thinking it in the first place. But in the end, there's nothing like having twins and I feel so incredibly blessed to have this experience.

Futile

I just spent 20 minutes trying to scrub the purple crayon stains out of my new shirt. The crayon in question went through the washer and dryer in an undisclosed family member's pocket. The culprit has been narrowed down to I Dunno and Not Me, neither of whom was available for questioning.

Over my head?

I just returned from JoAnn Fabrics with 2 sets of patterns for Halloween Costumes. Just because I have a new sewing machine in my front hall closet does not mean that I am a seamstress by any stretch of the imagination and yet I have now committed to making 4 costumes. I do have some sewing knowledge. Most of it entails memories of watching and helping my mom cut out patterns and fabric on the living room floor. I was a good pinner. Somehow, that makes me feel qualified to undertake this task and every time I tell myself that it's insane, I look at the costumes that the boys have picked out in a magazine and see the $50 price tag and think how ridculous that is because they're poorly made, get holes in them or fall apart completely upon one wearing and I always end up mending them the day of Halloween anyway while thinking over and over "I could make this so much better than this piece of junk." So, it's time to put my money where my mouth is. I'm proud of myself for getting the projects going well ahead of time and the patterns were on sale so that's a good sign I suppose. Wish me luck!

Peace

We had a really nice day today playing out in the court with the neighbors. That may not sound huge but trust me, it is. We've been in neighbor kid hell for the past several weeks and it was so nice to be out there with great, positive play happening for several hours straight. I had to sit out there and watch them like a hawk but it was worth it. Growing up, I remember having a love/hate relationship with the neighbor girl who was near my age. One minute, we'd be the best of friends and the next, the worst of enemies. The difference was that we were allowed to work things out for ourselves. There weren't any silly and useless decrees that I could no longer play with her or I couldn't go in her yard which were announced weeks after a supposed "crime" and that was the same on both sides and you know what? We always worked it out. That's definitely not the case with our neighbors and it's unfortunate but there are good life lessons in all of this as well - for the kids and the parents. The kids are learning valuable lessons about the kinds of things they want in their friends. They don't like it when kids lie. They don't like it when kids call them names or gang up on them or make ridiculous accusations about their family. They're also learning to recognize their part in every situation and know that nothing is one-sided. And Tim and I are learning that we all parent in different ways but at the core, we all have the well-being of our children at heart. It may not always look like it but we do. It's unfortunate that we all can't come together and come to a mutually agreeable solution but it's not something that I foresee happening here...ever. And that's a lesson in itself. We're not going to be friends with everyone but we still need to do the right thing even when it's really hard.

School starts next week and selfishly and admittedly cynically, I love the first day of school. I love watching the neighbor kids get on the bus and knowing that for the next 9 months, we'll have peace and then we can try again next summer. Who knows, maybe just maybe another year will help. We can always hope.