Choices

I was talking with a friend the other day...another crunchy mama...about how I often feel like I don't want to "complain" about how things are going when I'm having a rough day to my friends who have made more mainstream life choices than I have. For whatever reason, I feel like it would be tantamount to saying that my choices aren't working and I should have stayed on the conventional path all the time and not made some of these "strange" choices that I have for myself and my family. I don't like feeling this way and I know enough to know that this is more about me worrying about being judged or worrying that maybe I have made things more difficult with my choices but I don't entirely think that's fair. We all make choices about our parenting whether we stay with mainstream choices or we forge a new or lightly-used path. In the end, we're all just trying to do the best we can for our kids.

For example, at nearly 22 months, my twins are still nursing and we have no plans to stop anytime soon. Sometimes, it's not so fun to be nursing toddlers. Sometimes they try to do acrobatics while nursing and it hurts! It's not always easy for them to keep their teeth out of it and it's a special kind of pain to have your toddler try to talk while nursing. Does that mean that I don't think it's worth it to still be nursing my toddlers? Absolutely not. I adore nursing them. It's such a wonderful bonding time, especially as they get busier. It's this perfect grounding time for them when things get a little too crazy or when they push their independence to the limit of their comfort zone. I love knowing that they can come back to mommy and nurse to feel better and know that they are still deeply connected to me. I believe that it has very positive effects on all of us. I've experienced weaning one of my kids before I was truly ready and feeling that regret so I won't stop nursing just because it's uncomfortable sometimes and I believe that I'll just know when we're all ready to be done but I'm really hoping that it's not for quite awhile yet.

At almost 22 months, my babies still don't sleep through the night and they still sleep right next to me in bed and I'm okay with this too...most of the time. I do have my moments when we have nights where someone isn't feeling well and spends a good share of the night nursing or fussing or sleeping fitfully. I've been at my wits end where I get into bed and have exactly 15 minutes of sleep before getting woken up and then being woken up every 1-2 hours for months at a time. Is it fun? Not really but it's not the end of the world either and I appreciate the sleep that I do get so much. We celebrate our nights where everyone sleeps so peacefully. I can really see that they are working within their own comfort systems to learn to self-soothe and put themselves back to sleep. It gets a little "better" every night and I can look back and see just how far we've come and knowing that, I can see that it's going to continue like that. I've also felt the heartache of letting my babies cry it out and forcing them to self-soothe. I've felt that feeling in the pit of my stomach that's telling me that this isn't okay with me but I didn't know what that was at the time and I didn't know that there were other choices that I could make. Every time I've been frustrated with being so tired I could scream, I've given myself permission to let them cry-it-out but I never do. I know it's an option and it's one that a lot of people use with varying success but I also know that it's not part of who I am or how I want to parent my kids so I don't do it because I know that there are other choices that fit better with my parenting style and beliefs. And there is nothing, just nothing better than waking up and being surrounded by my precious kiddos with their morning faces and their cuddly countenances. It just doesn't get better than that and it's a wonderful way to start the day.

Yes, there are times when I want to throw my cloth diapers out the window and not wash another one but I'm so accustomed to them now that throwing away a regular disposable diaper is the same to me as putting an aluminum can in the garbage. I just can't do it. So I wash another load of diapers and sometimes use biodegradeable disposables when I need a break and man we're going to have a huge party with a big ol' mama happy dance on the day that I do my final load! And I will know that I was true to myself.

And there are times when I consider putting my kids in school because homeschooling is tough and there are times when I've wondered if it's worth the added stress. But when I seriously think about it, there are too many good things about homeschooling for our family and most of all, my kids WANT to be homeschooled and I love it, even when it's hard.

So what's my point here? My point is that we all make choices with our parenting and there are a lot to make from breastfeeding to sleeping arrangements to circumcision to vaccinations, school options and a whole vast universe in between. In the end, does it matter what choices we make as long as they are conscientiously made and have the best interests of our children at heart? Probably not. But it does matter to us as parents. We need to make the choices that are consistent with who we are and what we believe. Just because I make a certain choice for my family doesn't mean that it's the right choice for everyone but I've learned enough on my parenting journey to know what feels right to me and what doesn't and I know that for me, when I get that feeling of dis-ease in the pit of my stomach and an ache in my heart, I'm not being true to myself and being true to myself is more important to me than getting a full nights sleep or no more sore nipples or having a huge amount of time to myself. I only have this one chance with each of my kids to do the best that I can and I don't want to look back and have regrets because with kids, there's no do-over.

I know that I shouldn't be afraid to vent when I need to vent because we all have those days and there's no such thing as a perfect parent. We're all doing the best we can with the tools that we have right now in this moment and in every moment, our best is different. The last thing we need to do is to spend our time and energy judging other parents for their choices or worrying that we're being judged. We're all in this together, in the end. Collectively, we're raising the next generation in the best way that we know how, just like our parents did with us and back and back and back. So far, everything's turned out pretty well so we have no reason to believe that it will be any different with our kids, right? Right. So here's to conscious choices and Happy Parenting!