Feelings

Spend any time at my house and eventually you'll witness someone biting someone else, a full blown temper tantrum that would impress any contortionist or advanced yogi or a well-placed smack that is only lacking a pair of boxing gloves for all it's technique and passion. Some days it feels like it's only a matter of time before Social Services comes knocking at our door and what am I going to say? "Well, it all started over a cracker..." If I had a nickel for all of the times I have said "your head is not a weapon," college would be in the bag! Maybe it's part of having boys. Boys are more aggressive by nature than girls. It's a fact. It's a hormonal thing and it's something I'm starting to get used to. Or maybe it's just part of being a kid who doesn't have the words or tools to appropriately express themselves all the time. We have become such a "time-out" society that it's practically the only tool in our parenting toolbox anymore. While most of us grew up with a well-placed smack on the behind every-so-often, it's not something that any self-respecting parent is likely to admit to these days for fear of ridicule or worse. Now I'm not suggesting that we revive the old "smack and yell" techniques but I do think that it's time to add more tools to our tool box.

I recently remembered something that happened to me while I was a student living in France which really helped me to understand where my kids are coming from with regards to expressing themselves. I lived across from a beautiful park and would often walk through said park on my way home from school. I was doing just that one evening when some guy came up and stuck his hand up the back of my skirt to cop-a-feel. I was startled. I turned around to look at him and he was just standing there staring at me. I had a thousand things race through my mind. Mostly, I wanted to run after him and give him a good smacking but I didn't think I could catch him and if I did, it probably wasn't a good idea. I had many good profanities that wanted to get out but they were all in English and therefore not very effective here. I felt so helpless. The guy just violated me and he deserved whatever vengeance I could dish out but I didn't have the words or the physical ability to express myself so I ultimately just let out a primal scream which sent him running. In that moment, I felt so helpless, frustrated and angry and because I didn't have the means to express it, I was left with my screams. Remembering that made me stop to think about how often my kids must feel that exact same way. Certainly none of the crimes against them are of the same magnitude but they can evoke many of those same, big feelings that I experienced that night.

I don't have a magic answer on how to handle these tantrums. Clearly, we're just trying to work through it one set of frustrations at a time and do the best we can along the way. Naming the feeling tends to have good benefits in the long run because it allows the child to put a feeling and a name together so that the next time they feel this way, they know what it is. It seems to help more than you think it would which is interesting to me but I think that maybe it's an empathy thing. No one likes to feel like they are the only one who has ever felt this way. Not even little ones. And by having a name for the feeling, it helps you know that you're not alone. C tends to have a harder time getting his frustrations out appropriately than S does which results in S being the whipping boy around here at times and although we do our very best to intercede before it gets to that point, we don't always get there in time. It's usually worse for everyone when anyone is tired or hungry so keeping those things in check makes a big difference and we all have our time of day when things are harder for us than at other times. My time is about 4:00. The twins' time is about 6:00 and for the older boys...well it can be just about any time these days.

We also aim to always demonstrate the behaviors that we want our children to have. That's where the growth part of parenting comes into play big time. Tim and I have recently realized that we expect immediate action when we ask the kids to do something and they're not always able or willing to do that which leads to our own frustration. And then we hear M telling the others to hurry up and get moving! Oops. We decided that we need to calm down on that. It's amazing how it can sound one way coming out of your mouth and a totally different and less becoming way coming out of your children's mouths!

Self control in all things is our focus as of late for all of us. I've found that it's one of those virtues that ties into everything we do. Having the self control to not eat that cookie, not hit your brother, not yell, not nag, go to bed on time, get your responsibilities taken care of before you play, get out the door for that run, step away from the computer, and do the right thing even when you don't want to. I certainly struggle with some of those things myself so I know my children do and it's humbling to admit to your kids that you struggle too. I like to let me kids know that I'm falible. I'm not perfect and I work on myself every single day trying to be a better mom, a better wife and a better person. Tim does the same thing. We hope that it shows the kids that learning and growing is a life-long venture that is fraught with adventure, sorrow, happines and humility and that there's no such thing as being done or being perfect. Ever. After all, it's about the journey, not the destination!