Independence

When did we start to believe in America that it's so important that our children be independent? What are we so afraid of? Are we afraid that they'll live with us forever and never amount to anything if we don't make them "independent?" In an effort to begin this journey towards "independence", we start pushing our children away from the very second they are born. They slip out of our bodies and are taken away from us to be "checked out". Artificial lights replace the warmth of mother's arms. Gloved hands rub and touch this new skin instead of mother's loving touch. We actually have to request that they not be whisked away. Does this strike anyone as odd? Imagine being that little baby, just birthing into this world with bright lights shining in your eyes, cold air filling your lungs and no longer hearing that comforting sound of your mother's heartbeat. Suddenly, you're separated from her. That must be really scary and stressful for such a fresh little being. Anyway, it goes on from there. We bring our babies home and put them into a crib, by themselves in a room, by themselves and we expect that they should start "sleeping through the night" as soon as possible and if they don't, we leave them to cry, alone. And in doing that, we are somehow training them to be independent.

What if we have it all wrong? What if true independence comes from knowing that you can count on your parents to give you everything you need, when you need it, every time? What if knowing that you can count on your parents allows you to explore your world on your terms because you know that you have a strong foundation to which you can return when you need it? What if no one pushed you out into the world to do things before you were ready but let you come to it in your own time and in your own way and you didn't have to feel the stress and the disconnect of being in a situation that you're not ready for but history has taught you that you don't have any other choice?

What if we have it all wrong?

For thousands of years, children have been birthed into their mother's arms, been brought to the breast and stayed there in this warm, loving and familiar environment for as long as they needed it. They've slept next to their mothers and could count on getting just what they needed day and night because their mothers were right there to give it to them. When they decided to venture out on their own, they knew that they had their mother to come back to when they were done. Have all of these children been so-called spoiled and overly dependent? I don't think so. There is a lot to be said about the relationship of a strong attachment between parents, especially mothers, with their children and independence. The former leads to the latter. For some children, they need that reassurance of mom longer than others but this doesn't mean that they are overly dependent rather that they are high needs children. Many children are high needs. I have 2 of them. All that means is that they need, actually need, more physical and emotional attention than some other kids. They may need to be held more, need to be by mom more, need some special routines and that's all okay.

For us, that has looked like having a child sleep on our floor off and on for years because some nights, he just needs some extra momma time and yes, simply being in the room with me counts for him. It has looked like me making very good use of slings and carriers because my babies want to be held and are happy when they are held. It looks like lots of cuddles, snuggles, reading time and together time and while there are times that I need a break, as every mother does, I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm amazed at some of the things my kids will do and how independent they are. I love watching them run off to play and come back every now and then for a cuddle, kiss or a check-in. I've learned to recognize that as them checking in and making sure that I'm still right there. Once they know that, they're off to play again knowing that if they need me, I'm here.

Of course my journey doesn't look like yours. Mine doesn't look like anyone else's and there definitely needs to be a balance between what your child needs and what the parent needs or it's all for naught. If that balance is missing, someone's not going to be happy and healthy and it's often the mama who gives too much. Finding that balance is key but we must be careful. Being away makes it easier to be away and harder to come back. Balance. We must find the things that fill us up most efficiently and put our energy there when we need to be filled up. Our kids are young for such a short time and while it may seem interminable some days, it's gone in a heartbeat. Balance.

In the end, I want my kids to know that I'm here for them in the way that they need me to be there for them because I know that it will result in well-adjusted and independent kids and afterall, that's the pre-requisite American goal, right? I'm not knocking it. We all want our kids to be well-adjusted and successful in whatever way that means for them. I want my kids to be happy and I know that I'm not alone in that. I simply believe that there is so much time for our kids to be out there in the world being "independent". Why not start them off by giving them a strong foundation of trust to which they can return their entire lives? While they start out by needing that foundation to be built on you, they end up knowing that it's them. They trust themselves. They've learned and explored and they know what's important to them and what kind of people they are at their core. That's what they can come back to and what if that foundation starts not by being pushed out of the nest, but by being pulled in? What if?