Finding the Lessons

This has been a very interesting few days for me. I essentially broke up with someone who at one time in my life was a very close friend of mine and has held a special place in my heart for a very long time. And it hurts. A lot. It really feels a lot like breaking up with a boyfriend or perhaps a small taste of what it might be like to go through a divorce. It's not a good feeling. The pangs of emotion hit me throughout the day and it effects me physically as well as emotionally and spiritually. This was brought home when my chiropractor asked me yesterday if I'd been banging my head against a wall as my left temporal lobe was in complete disarray. Emotions effect us physically as well as on the inside, even when we don't think they do.

I'm of the school of thought that everything happens for a reason, that there are lessons in everything and it's our job to look for them and receive them as such if we want to grow. Painful experiences are often the deliverers of the most profound growth and learning and it is holding true for me this week.

Here are a few of the lessons I'm learning about myself:

- Breaking up is hard. It hurts and yet the mere existence of hurt shows that love also exists. If it didn't hurt, there would be no love and love is good.
- I'm really hard on myself sometimes. I hold myself to a high standard and can be very judgmental of myself. When I am judgmental of myself, it often projects out onto other people and I judge them too. Compassion for myself and, in turn, for others is the answer here. I'm working on that.
- When I try to "rise above" my hurt I deny my humanness and that's not healthy. Even though it's painful, going through the hurt is the path to healing. Repression only leads to anger and more hurt.
- Even though anger is often the quickest, easiest and first answer to difficult situations, it's not the path to growth. Spiritual and emotional growth only come from moving beyond anger and dealing with the real feelings that are lying underneath.
- I am strong enough to leave a relationship that isn't working for me even though it's hard. I could not have done that 10 years ago.
- Deep breathing really does help. So does crying. And so does having people around who love and support you. That helps a lot.

Of course none of us wants to ever have to walk through times of pain and hurt but it's part of life. Suffering is part of life. The real test is in how we walk through these times and how we come out of it on the other side.

I'm still walking this path and I'm still learning and I'm sure I'll be here for a good, long time. I will always miss having my friend in my life and I am grieving for that loss but if I can come out the other side of this having grown and feeling love and compassion, then I will have indeed found the lesson in this suffering. May it be so.

Fall Photos

Angella took some photos of the boys this fall and they were fantastic. Here's a small sampling, all of which show each boys' personality.

Something for mom

As a mom, especially a stay-at-home-homeschool mom, it's very easy for everything in our lives to become about our kids, homeschooling, our homes and everything that goes with all of that-which is a lot! I've had friends who don't stay home with their kids ask what we do all day and sometimes it's hard to answer with specifics; all I know is that we definitely manage to stay busy! Because of all of that, it's very easy for a mom to lose her identity as a woman, as a separate person from the role of mother, wife, homemaker and all of the other hats we wear. However, it's truly important that we do have something all our own. Our kids won't be young forever and when they grow up, we need to have something we can turn to that fills us and feeds our souls whether that be a hobby, a philanthropy or a career. And it's important to have those things while our kids are young too. We don't have an endless supply of energy and a bottomless well of ourselves from which we can hand out pieces day after day without having a negative effect on our own well-being. As a mother, it's easy to feel selfish in a negative way about spending time on ourselves and while I feel that it's important that there be balance, I also truly feel that it IS important that we be selfish sometimes. Selfish isn't an alltogether bad word! Selfish can mean making time to exercise, drink enough water, take our vitamins, take a shower and sit in silence for a few moments. It can mean having a hobby that makes you happy, talking to a friend on the phone, getting a massage or going out with the girls for an evening. Everyone gets filled up in different ways and it's important for each of us to figure out what does the trick in the most efficient and complete way for us.

For me, yoga is a huge part of filling up my reserves. I've been practicing to some degree for over 10 years but more seriously for about 5 or 6 years. Since the twins were born, I've been practicing at a studio once a week nearly every week and if I have to miss a week, I really notice it in my body and in my mind and spirit. It makes a big difference for me. I've always wanted to be a yoga teacher and knew that it would be in my life some day and it showed up for me one day this fall. I got a call from my sister saying that she was going to be starting her teacher training in November. We've often talked about doing our training together and by a few hours after our phonecall, I was having a conversation with Tim and I called to register the following day. Hooray! It was a long month of waiting for the classes to begin but we've now done 2 weeks of classes and I love it. Yoga teacher training at the studio where we're doing it (which will result in a Registered Yoga Teacher certification qualifying us to teach pretty much anywhere) is pretty much like going back to school. There are 230 hours minimum of study time required which is split up between Technical Sessions, Classroom time, required reading, presentations, mentorship, homework, Karma Yoga our own practice and more. It's really thorough and I'm starting to figure out how this is all going to fit into my already full schedule. But, I'm experiencing something that I never experienced in all my years of school: I WANT to do the work. I WANT to learn not only what we're being taught but more. My stack of 5 required books has at least doubled as one topic leads me to another and another. Things that make my head swim in class come together at home as I delve deeper and deeper in my desire to fully understand everything to the greatest extent that I can. It's opening my eyes to this way of learning that in the homeschool community is termed "unschooling" whereby the student follows their own interests but I'm also learning that following these paths aren't inherent to everyone and it's something I need to coach my kids on. I want them to be on fire for learning as much as I am right now. It's so exciting and there just aren't enough hours in the day for me to take in all that I want to know so I have to pace myself.

This feels good. It feels right and it's so nice to have something that's all for me not only now, but in the future. It gives me earning potential, flexibility and so very much more. When you find the path you're supposed to be on, one that really feeds you, it's just right.

May we all find our paths and may our cups overflow as we strive for balance and happiness in our lives!

Halloween 2010

Here are the boys at Halloween! M was a Ninja, G was a Secret agent and the twins were sheep (mommy was Little Bo Peep even though there is no photographic evidence)

November Catch-ups

I can't believe how fast this fall has been going! We've had a lovely one so far.

We went apple picking

We went to the Rennaissance Festival


We went to the Corn Maze


We went camping


We had our 10th annual pumpkin carving party


We had our homeschool Halloween Party (more Halloween Pictures to come)


We had dentist visits (the first for the twins)


And we had our homeschool Thanksgiving Dinner.


Whew!

Jeanne

I just found out that one of my midwives, Jeanne Bazille, has breast cancer. It makes me so sad. She's such a wonderful woman and has helped so many families and babies. Her prognosis and attitude are good but cancer is cancer. One of the most uplifting things that can come out of something like this is that you get to see how many people that person has touched and for Jeanne, it's a lot. Whether she has attended a birth or mentored another midwife, helped write the MN Homebirth laws or spoke on panel discussions about homebirth, she's touched, helped and advocated for thousands of women whether they know it or not. She's truly amazing and such an inspiration.

I haven't seen her since 6 weeks after my twins were born when I tearfully attended my last post-partum appointment. And yet I have such deep love for her in my heart for the road that we walked together. She never batted an eyelash when I told her that I was having twins. Her support of me and my birth was strong from day one and her attendance and help at our birth was amazing. I love her dearly and I pray for all the best for her during her treatment and recovery.

You Never Know

I had an interesting (read nasty) interaction yesterday with a woman at the library. Let me start by saying that yesterday was a rough day. I had just come home from being gone all weekend and the babes were really needy. I did my best but sometimes they just need to whine to the one with whom they're most comfortable...mom. Anyway, that was our morning, naptime was all of an hour long and we finally ended up at the library in the afternoon which is where we'd be trying to get all day. The twins love the library. They love playing with the puzzles, following the big boys around as they hunt for books, visiting with other people their size and sometimes they love hearing the echo of their own screaming voice. Yesterday, the last "love" was the major activity. Most of it was exuberance or at least not a temper tantrum but yes, they were loud-ish. Okay, loud. I was doing fairly well re-directing them and keeping them busy while guiding the older boys in finding the books that they needed for their week of studies. We finally got all of our books and went to check them out which is their biggest of the library loves. They each get a stool and take turns putting a book in and it's pure toddler heaven...except for yesterday. Nothing was going right for S in his world and so just about everything was setting him off. We finally got into a good check-out rhythm when he fell off of the stool. At this point, a librarian came over and offered to help. Now the majority (not all but truly the majority) of librarian experiences in our county have involved guilt, scowls and irritability. So the fact that this one came over and asked if she could help me with a look of pure pity in her eye told me just exactly how this whole escapade looked to the outsider.

We finally got all of the books checked out, bagged up and all children accounted for. S insisted on being carried and since M and G each had their noses firmly planted in their books, I was on my own for carrying both the fussy toddler and the large bag of books. We got about halfway to the car when we were passed by a woman who was probably in her 50s. Just as she passed us, she takes the opportunity in the break of fussing to mutter something deragatory my way. Now, I've had an entire day of this stuff and I'm pretty much on my last nerve. I was pretty proud of myself that I had been able to maintain my patience so well to this point but when I heard her, I just incredulously said "Whatever!" right out loud. When I'm irritated at someone, I don't bother to mutter unintelligibly. Let's get it out there, shall we? So she gives a huff and proceeds to her car and we make it to our car and as she's pulling out, she stops to flip me off. That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I may or may not have at this point screamed a profanity at her which may or may not have been heard by the entire parking lot of the library not to mention my own offspring. I'm not really sure though, it's a bit fuzzy; one of those out-of-body (and mind) experiences that we have from time-to-time.

After that grand showcase of parental self-control, I got into my car and called Tim to talk me down with the caveat that he MUST NOT try to solve this, utter anything other than comments which clearly showed he was on my side against this crazy woman nor should he give even the slightest sign that he was judging or condemning me in any way for my behavior. After the ground rules were firmly in place, I started crying. Man was I mad! Of course the kids were concerned and I had to explain that I was very angry and sad but I was okay and it's just not how you want to show up in front of your kids but it also shows that we're all too human and that's important for them to see sometimes too.

Here's what I don't get about the entire thing though: why judge? She had no idea what kind of a day I had been having nor what kind of patience I had exhibited. She has no idea who I am or what kind of a parent I am or anything about me other than the unfortunate fact that I probably would have severely kicked her ass at that point in time if given half the chance. But this is something we see and do to each other all the time. We see a mom scolding her kids and we're so quick to condemn her as a "bad" mom not even stopping to consider what is happening in her world at this moment. We see a dad yelling at his kids and we assume that he's a jerk who doesn't really care about his kids, he happens to be stuck "babysitting" them right now until mom gets home. I think it's really unfortunate that instead of judging and making up stories about other parents, that our first reaction isn't one of compassion and empathy for the entire situation. The truth is that we have no clue who those parents are and yes, they could be really bad parents or they could be really, really great parents just having a rough day and we happen to be witnessing their dark moment. The rest of the truth is that we've all been there. It may not have been in public but we've all been there so we know what that feels like.

I learned a lot from this experience but one thing I know I will take forward with me is to strive to have compassion for other parents who may be having a rough day. Until we walk a mile in their shoes, we have no idea what's going on in their world and they deserve nothing less than our compassion and understanding. And neither do I.

Here is my goodie stash from the yarn festival. It was kind of overwhelming to see all of that yarn and all of that fiber in one spot but Andrea and I managed :). We've had a great time and we're resting up before heading off to the party tonight. Great mama weekend away!

Look Mom!

We've been having a lot of "look mom" or "watch this" from the twins lately. Here was C's this morning. "Look mom, 2 fuh-fuhs (pacifiers)!

Cute.

Twins

Um, has anyone seen my babies? Because there are these 2 little boys here and they're hardly recognizable as babies anymore. Where has the time gone?

For the fashion update, the photo really doesn't do this justice. They were wearing coururoy overalls, one red with a royal blue shirt, one royal blue with a red shirt. Sometimes dressing twins is so much darn fun!

SMM

We decided to celebrate the first day of school...for everyone else...by heading to the Science Museum where we would be able to explore the exhibits and wander the halls by ourselves. It was wonderful.

The big boys took in the Omni Theatre movie about Arabia which led to a very interesting conversation about terrorism, perceptions, racism, a brief history of Afghanistan, and intolerance over lunch. I adore it that my kids think that all of these things are just ridiculous and wonder why anyone would hate someone for what they believe or the color of their skin. I really love that.

Everyone had a great time playing with the ping-pong balls and experimenting with air pressure. This is always one of our favorite exhibits and it never seems to get old.

G's New Belt

Our G-man undertook and accomplished an incredible challenge this summer from his MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) instructor: No Treats, No Screens, 3 months. Yep, No Treats, No Screens, 3 months. From June 1 through August 31, he had no sweets, no video games, no t.v., no computer. He and a friend were 2 of only 4 kids who actually made it until the end. We did make some reasonable exceptions which were allowed: he got ice cream on his birthday and we did a couple of family movie nights. If he went to a party, he got to partake in the treats a bit but it removed all of it from our daily lives and let me tell you it was WONDERFUL! Mom and dad experienced zero questions about "can I have a treat; can I watch a show; can I play some video games?" None of it. It was heavenly. So heavenly, in fact, that we wanted to maintain that level of peace even when the challenge was done. So, we went to the boys and told them our thoughts: this has been a really nice summer of non-nagging and we'd like to keep it that way as much as possible. What can we do? They listed all of their options and ended up with the following family guidelines:

Treats sometimes on the weekends and on special occasions. That's it.
They can watch one show a day but only after all of their responsibilities are taken care of (i.e., school and chores).
Video/Computer games only on weekends and only 1 hour per weekend day.

Truly, these were the parameters that they came up with. I led the conversation but mostly as a note-taker with a couple of small inputs here and there but they really did a good job of placing parameters around all of it. Way to go boys!

Above are some pictures of the belt ceremony (the reward from the MMA instructor was that they got advance an entire belt for completing the challenge) and of the massive desserts that they got to partake in afterward. It's good to be king!

Tim and I are obviously extremely proud of him but nothing that we feel or convey could possibly top the way that he feels about himself. It was awesome to see the look of self-pride on his face when he reached the end. It was the kind of things that parents dream of for their kids: a sense of accomplishment and pride in themselves for something that they did. Awesome.

As parents, we want our kids to feel good about themselves and so we do things like praise the heck out of them but I'm starting to wonder if we're just a praise-happy society and what effect all of that actually has on our kids. If we're always praising them and telling them what a good job they're doing, will they truly be able to internalize that for themselves or will they always seek validation from outside? It probably has something to do with personality in part but I've been doing a fair bit of reading on this subject lately and I have to agree that we're trending toward creating praise-junkies who are constantly doing things for the praise that they may receive instead of for the self satisfaction of a job or effort well done. So, I've been trying to break myself of saying "Good Job" 500 times a day. It's really hard to do and because it's hard to do, I know that I've been saying it too much. Now, I'm not saying that I no longer recognize my children's accomplishments because I do believe that they need parental validation and someone to celebrate with them but I'm trying to use phrases that help them focus on what they accomplished instead of just receiving praise. Things such as describing what they just did, celebrating with them when they do something, celebrating the effort no matter what the outcome. Seeing the look on my G-man's face when he completed his challenge really validated for me what I want for my kids: I want them to know for themselves how incredible they are and not have to always hear it from the outside to believe it. Isn't that what we all want?

I love you my G-man and I'm so proud of you but no moreso than you are of yourself...just like it should be.

Tomato Haiku

As I was processing my bounty from the garden today, I wrote a Haiku:

Box of tomatoes
Hot sweat dripping down my back
At least it's not cheese

The story behind this is that 2 years ago, my dear friends Jen and Barb let me talk them into learning to make mozzarella. Jen, who works at a dairy farm, got the milk and on the hottest day of the summer, we made cheese. Wait, it gets better. The twins were all of 8 months old and wanted to be held AND we were at Jen's house where the A/C was either not on or was broken or they don't have it, we've never really discerned which one. When you make fresh mozzarella, it involves a lot of heat. Not just passive heat, you have to touch hot cheese to knead it and you have to stand over boiling vats of milk waiting for the right things to happen at the right times. So we did the standing and the observing and the kneading all without A/C, on the hottest day of the year while slinging 8 month old clingy, whiny twins. Getting the picture?

We somehow had a ton of fun doing all of this and when we were all finished, I packed up all of my children (because I'm the lady with the bunch of kids), the sitter who had been outside watching the older kids in the pool, my cheese, and headed out the door. We got everyone into the car and....it won't start. Seriously? So, I go back into the house where my dear friends, who are not as happy to see me as they were a few hours before, assist me in calling a tow truck and a car rental place so I could get my car to the shop and get everyone home. It took awhile but they finally arrived, we got the car seats strapped into the rental car and headed home while my car (which of course started at the shop just fine) was towed.

What a day. It definitely lives on in my memory and those of my dear friends and when I'm processing a big box of tomatoes on an 85 degree day without my A/C on while sweat drips down my back I think, "at least it's not cheese!"

Toddler Photography

This is what happens when the toddler gets hold of the camera

The End of the World as We Know It

I have a feeling that the relative quiet that we have come to know and love in our house of boys is about to be shattered. The boys had the opportunity to go and check out some drums and electric guitars at a friend's house today. M came home with a set of sticks and a practice pad and they drummed all the way home. We're going to have our very own garage band soon enough!

Say Cheese!

This was the scene at breakfast this morning. Cute.

MMA Belts

The boys earned their yellow/white belts this week at MMA. They didn't know that they were going to get them but we did and mom was there with the camera to watch it. Their instructor was testing them throughout the class but they didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. My favorite was when he chose 2 teenage girls to sit on them during grappling. In a few years, not something I want to see but at this point, very funny to watch your sons get their butts kicked by a couple of girls.

First Week of School 2010-2011

Well, we started school this week! It was a warm-up week in it's fullest sense. We all got up at our routine time (the boys by 7:30, mom usually much earlier) and got back into our morning routine. They also did a few academics each day and just started to get their sea legs under them. This coming week, we're adding more in and everyone seems to be ready and as excited as any school child gets to be back in or at or doing school. Of course our week next week includes our annual homeschool group's "back to school" ice cream social, a party for our co-op and a class about bees at a local nature center. Rough. We've decided that we're going to celebrate everyone else going back to school by spending the day at the Science Museum on September 7th. We'll have the place to ourselves and we're very excited about it!

Also next week, G-man finishes his No Treats, No Screens challenge issued by his MMA instructor that he's been working on since June 1. Indeed, he has gone the entire summer without regular treats or screens. There were exceptions made along the way such as birthday parties and family movies but he definitely had many more days without than with. It's such an amazing accomplishment for a 9 yo. I heard him talking with his friend today who also did the challenge and they were reminiscing about how hard they thought it was going to be and how the first 2 weeks were the hardest but after that it was really not a big deal. Mom and dad have loved it too. We have removed from our household daily questions about treats, video games, shows, and computer time. We've enjoyed it so much that we talked with the boys about how we could keep some of these things in place in a reasonable way. The boys came up with a plan where they watch up to one show a day after their responsibilities are all done, video games only on the weekends, treats are reserved for sometimes on the weekends and on special occasions. Hopefully, that will help keep all of those distractions at bay. I was impressed at how they put together the plan and I hope it works out in practice as nicely as it looks on paper! Any way you cut it, though, we're so proud of our G-man. It's quite an accomplishment and we'll be watching with great pride when he gets his belt next week.

Tomah

We had a wonderful visit to Tomah this weekend to see Tim's sister Deb and her family. We went for a visit and to help celebrate Miss K's 6th birthday. We all had a wonderful time.

On Saturday, we visited Grandpa Nick's farm which is a petting farm experience with tons and tons of different kinds of animals. They are clearly passionate about what they do and were very gracious to show us around the entire farm.

The kids had a great time playing with their cousins, even in the heat. It was really fun to watch them. G-man even got to stay for a couple extra days and he's thrilled about it.

Thanks Deb and Tony!

Whitewater Camping Trip

5 moms, 13 kids, high heat, stifling humidity, soaking rain...that was our camping trip. We arrived on Monday and we knew it was going to be hot and the weather didn't disappoint. By the time we got everyone's camps set up, we were all drenched in sweat but after a little while, you kind of stop noticing and just go with it. It's easier to just be out there than to be in and out of A/C because then you really know how hot it is. We made dinner and it was just too hot to make a fire, much to the disappointment of the kids.

My night royally sucked to put it mildly. The heat wasn't the issue. It cooled down enough that sleeping on top of the sleeping bag with a sheet on was just fine but we learned just how persistent raccoons can be and just how dang long it takes them to break into a bag of chips...a long time. Needless-to-say, we lost some of our food and learned a very valuable lesson: lock things up in the car before going to bed. I went out a few times and stood there shining a flashlight into the food tent and although it worked for a little while, the bugger always came back. In the morning, we realized what a royal feast he truly had: 8 ears of corn, 1 bunch of bananas, 1 bag of corn chips, he tasted the pancake mix but passed on it and completlely made away with the bag of homemade granola. We didn't find a single piece of it nor did we find the granola bag. I got about 4 hours of sleep.

Tuesday morning, we awoke to some rain and cloudy skies but we managed to salvage most of the pancake mix and made some really good pancakes for breakfast which the kids scarfed down in no time flat. Then, we packed up for the day and headed into Wabasha for some sight-seeing. We left just as the downpour started - luckily, we were able to make sure that our tents were closed up tight before we left.

We spent the day in Wabasha and Alma, WI visiting the National Eagle Center, a lovely cheese shop, Dam No. 4 on the Mississippi River and a gorgeous view of the river valley from Buena Vista Park in Alma. We ended our day at Lark Toy store which is well worth the trip just for that. It's amazing and the hand-carved carousel is awe-inspiring. It was great. We headed back to camp and started making dinner when we started to hear the faint rumblings of thunder heading in again. 2 of our party had left during the day because of a sick kiddo so we were down to 4 mamas and 12 kids and soon, we lost another family who took off for home before the rain started. That left 3 families. This happened to be the one night that we had planned to cook our meal on the fire itself and the fire was built and meals were on by the time the rain started and once it started, it came down hard! One family decided to head for home and come back the next day to de-camp which left us and my friend Barb's family. We were rather undecided as to what to do and we had the meals cooking on the fire. We finally decided that having the kids in the car was the right place for them to be. Luckily, I had packed up the food and already shoved it into the car before the rain started but then had to shut up the tents and get the kids into the car amongst a veritable barrage of questions: what's happening? Where are we going? When are we going to eat? Are we going home? Where are we going to sleep?...it kept going...cue closing the car doors.

Barb, meanwhile, was standing over the fire with a large umbrella to protect it and our food. Once the water covered our feet and the lightning was over us, we decided that we had to leave. We tossed the foil dinners into the back of the van and jumped in. We knew we had to feed everyone and had felt rather dejected when we checked one of the dinners and found it to be raw. All that work and it didn't even work! I had an idea, popped my mom's address into the GPS and discovered that we were only about 40 miles away. That sounded like a nice, warm, dry and safe place for us to spend the night. I ran back to the tent to grab a few necessities and we took off leaving our camp behind us.

We arrived at mom's house to a warm and dry welcome and to the quite lovely realization that most of our dinners were actually cooked and all was not lost. We got everyone dry and fed and shipped them off to bed. When I heard the next raging storm come through that night, I was really glad that we were under a solid roof in a nice, comfy bed!

After breakfast on Wednesday, we headed back to camp to check on the damage and to pack up. When we left, Barb's tent was sitting in about 3 inches of water so we knew that we were done. Our camp fared rather well. The tents were slightly damp (the boys more than mine) but not drenched and nothing a little airing out wouldn't fix but we were determined to just get home. We spent a couple of hours packing up and headed out. We figured that even though it wasn't ideal, it was still fun. It was all made worth it for me when, as we were pulling out, M said from the back seat "thanks for bringing us mom. I really had fun."

We decided to end things on a positive note and got together last night to eat the meal that was already prepared and divide up the remaining food. It really was a good way to end things and everyone had a good time and even some laughs about the whole thing. We did agree, however, that camping in August probably isn't going to be our thing. We may try September next year :)