You Never Know

I had an interesting (read nasty) interaction yesterday with a woman at the library. Let me start by saying that yesterday was a rough day. I had just come home from being gone all weekend and the babes were really needy. I did my best but sometimes they just need to whine to the one with whom they're most comfortable...mom. Anyway, that was our morning, naptime was all of an hour long and we finally ended up at the library in the afternoon which is where we'd be trying to get all day. The twins love the library. They love playing with the puzzles, following the big boys around as they hunt for books, visiting with other people their size and sometimes they love hearing the echo of their own screaming voice. Yesterday, the last "love" was the major activity. Most of it was exuberance or at least not a temper tantrum but yes, they were loud-ish. Okay, loud. I was doing fairly well re-directing them and keeping them busy while guiding the older boys in finding the books that they needed for their week of studies. We finally got all of our books and went to check them out which is their biggest of the library loves. They each get a stool and take turns putting a book in and it's pure toddler heaven...except for yesterday. Nothing was going right for S in his world and so just about everything was setting him off. We finally got into a good check-out rhythm when he fell off of the stool. At this point, a librarian came over and offered to help. Now the majority (not all but truly the majority) of librarian experiences in our county have involved guilt, scowls and irritability. So the fact that this one came over and asked if she could help me with a look of pure pity in her eye told me just exactly how this whole escapade looked to the outsider.

We finally got all of the books checked out, bagged up and all children accounted for. S insisted on being carried and since M and G each had their noses firmly planted in their books, I was on my own for carrying both the fussy toddler and the large bag of books. We got about halfway to the car when we were passed by a woman who was probably in her 50s. Just as she passed us, she takes the opportunity in the break of fussing to mutter something deragatory my way. Now, I've had an entire day of this stuff and I'm pretty much on my last nerve. I was pretty proud of myself that I had been able to maintain my patience so well to this point but when I heard her, I just incredulously said "Whatever!" right out loud. When I'm irritated at someone, I don't bother to mutter unintelligibly. Let's get it out there, shall we? So she gives a huff and proceeds to her car and we make it to our car and as she's pulling out, she stops to flip me off. That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I may or may not have at this point screamed a profanity at her which may or may not have been heard by the entire parking lot of the library not to mention my own offspring. I'm not really sure though, it's a bit fuzzy; one of those out-of-body (and mind) experiences that we have from time-to-time.

After that grand showcase of parental self-control, I got into my car and called Tim to talk me down with the caveat that he MUST NOT try to solve this, utter anything other than comments which clearly showed he was on my side against this crazy woman nor should he give even the slightest sign that he was judging or condemning me in any way for my behavior. After the ground rules were firmly in place, I started crying. Man was I mad! Of course the kids were concerned and I had to explain that I was very angry and sad but I was okay and it's just not how you want to show up in front of your kids but it also shows that we're all too human and that's important for them to see sometimes too.

Here's what I don't get about the entire thing though: why judge? She had no idea what kind of a day I had been having nor what kind of patience I had exhibited. She has no idea who I am or what kind of a parent I am or anything about me other than the unfortunate fact that I probably would have severely kicked her ass at that point in time if given half the chance. But this is something we see and do to each other all the time. We see a mom scolding her kids and we're so quick to condemn her as a "bad" mom not even stopping to consider what is happening in her world at this moment. We see a dad yelling at his kids and we assume that he's a jerk who doesn't really care about his kids, he happens to be stuck "babysitting" them right now until mom gets home. I think it's really unfortunate that instead of judging and making up stories about other parents, that our first reaction isn't one of compassion and empathy for the entire situation. The truth is that we have no clue who those parents are and yes, they could be really bad parents or they could be really, really great parents just having a rough day and we happen to be witnessing their dark moment. The rest of the truth is that we've all been there. It may not have been in public but we've all been there so we know what that feels like.

I learned a lot from this experience but one thing I know I will take forward with me is to strive to have compassion for other parents who may be having a rough day. Until we walk a mile in their shoes, we have no idea what's going on in their world and they deserve nothing less than our compassion and understanding. And neither do I.