Stop It!!!

I had a moment. You know, one of those pure moments that we have in life. Moments where time seems to stand still and everything becomes clear, authentic and true for that one moment. Well, I had one the other day. We were at the park with all of the kids. Tim was following S and I was following C while the older boys where off playing. C was climbing everything and running everywhere and just having a ball. He came up to one of those bridges that moves when you jump on it or run fast. He'd never encountered one before and just knew that this was something different so he slowed down and carefully stepped on it. He decided he liked it and kept going. As he made his way across, he got more confident and just after he hit the halfway point, the moment happened. He had this amazing look on his face. He was carefree, had a huge, toothy grin on his face, his eyes shone and he embodied pure joy. And for just a split second, time stood still. When it started again, I had a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. Those moments are so precious and so fleeting and I had this overwhelming urge to cry out to the Universe "stop it!!" Stop making time go by so quickly. Stop making my babies grow up. I just want to be here, now, in this pure moment forever. So just stop it!

I think about how many of those moments I've had with my children over the past 9 1/2 years and I'm happy to say that there have been many. There were 1 of them each time I held that new little person for the first time. I cried on the way home from the hospital with M knowing that every second, he was getting older and knowing that I had no control over that. His birthdays are always hard for me. I spend the weeks before it amazed that he's going to be 1, 2, 3, 4....and soon 10. That's double digits. Serious stuff! I remember on his last birthday realizing that this is the halfway point. We're half done with him. I know, of course, that once a parent always a parent but we all know that a huge thing typically happens at age 18 - our babies become adults and then they make their own plans and start living their own lives and we are happy for them but can't help going back to those moments in our hearts where he was just handed to me for the first time. I don't think that will ever go away.

Even Tim, who is notoriously unnostalgic, was caught off-guard when he took M to get on the bus for his first day of ski club this year. He came home saying that he watched him get on and just teared up. He looked so little! I was happy to hear that I'm not the only one.

I have spent countless hours watching the cherubic face of G sleeping or studying something or grinning ear-to-ear. He's so beautiful and his soul is so pure. His passion is endless and it comes out all over the place these days and then he'll turn and look at me with his HUGE brown eyes and I feel the world slowing down for that one moment and all of the drama is gone. He's my baby again. We are forever bonded.

I spent about 2 weeks moping about last fall, obsessing about the beautiful, amazing, incredible homebirth that brought our twins into this world. I poured over our pictures dozens of times and read and re-read the birth records written by my friend and the midwives. I finally mentioned it to one of my midwives and she noted that the twins' birthdays were coming up. Yes! That must be why. I've never had a year in my life go by so quickly as the first year with my twins did. I must have blinked too long because it was over that fast. I was determined to be present during that year and not just to survive it. I think I did as well as I could. We had many moments during that first year and I'm grateful for them because they are the ones that stick with me - even through mommy brain! The many realizations I had when they were new that there are 2! And they both came out of me! Watching them relate to each other and to their world around them was priceless and it never gets old.

People very often ask me why we homeschool. My answer is very simple. I homeschool because I'm selfish. I only get 18 short years with these little beings and I want to be there for every "moment". There are, of course, many other reasons as well but this one is my standard and I like how it tends to make people think for a moment.

I think that it's these moments that sometimes help us get through the day. Our days are not always easy. There are the needs of 6 people in this house to consider and that can be really challenging to balance but we seem to be doing just fine. I'll continue to look at my kids and ask them to please, please stop growing. Take your shortening, run backwards, whatever it takes! But I know that it's the nature of life to grow up and I'm so honored to be their mom and to be with them every day. And to the Universe I say "Stop it!!!"

Desensitization

I've realized, now that I'm on kids 3 and 4, that I've become desensitized the world of mothering. Not all of it but some of the rather unsavory parts in particular. Here are a few examples:

1. I do not have child safety locks on each and every door, drawer, crack and crevice in my house. I did in my other house with the other two but not here. What's a little mess to clean up compared to all of the joy they get from emptying cupboards? I'm getting used to going to find my utensils in the toy bin. At least they're consistent.

2. I now let my babies run around naked provided they've already pooped that day. I used to absolutely cringe at the thought of this and couldn't wrap my brain around how you can keep the baby from peeing on the carpet. Now I figure that we'll just rip up the carpet some day.

3. One of the only things that can get me running at top speed up the steps and down the hall is the sound of the toilet seat crashing down followed by a flush and looking around to realize that only one baby is in the room with me. Most of the rest of it doesn't require top speed running.

4. These babies climb everything and take apart everything. Whereas I probably would have stopped that with the older two, now it's just a way to keep them busy while we do math with the other two. Messes can be cleaned up.

5. Dirt. Boys eat it and then they poop it out. There's no point in fighting nature.

6. Puke. I always have and still abhore puke. However the extent of my parental desensitization was illustrated the other day when I was sitting on the kitchen floor eating a bowl of cereal when C came up to me, stuck his finger down his throat and puked all over me and I just continued eating my cereal.

The trick for me is to not become desensitized to the good stuff as well. It's easy to get mired down in the tasks of mothering and not to have fun, laugh and enjoy all of it along the way. Even when the days feel really long and I'm telling the kids not to bicker for the 200 millionth time today, there are moments of pure joy and I have to remind myself to enjoy them and use them as fuel. Parenting is the most delightfully difficult job there is and my goal today is to find the joy in all of it.

Now to wrestle the babies into their diapers...

It's hot!

My wonderfully intelligent and inquisitive older boys decided on Tuesday that they should do a science experiment to see how quickly ice would melt in the very hot heat of the day. Wonderful, said I knowing in my heart of hearts that all of this comes from my very excellent teaching and motivational skills. They both get cups out and put some ice in them and set them on the hot tub to begin the experiment. About a half and hour later, S climbs up and drinks them.

It was hot.

The lessons of Impermanence

I was at a funeral last week and my Great Aunt read a beautiful excerpt from a book. The excerpt was all about impermanence in life and how it's important to recognize everything as impermanent whether it's "good" or "bad" because that's what life is about. Impermanence is also a Buddhist teaching and goes along with non-attachment. Buddhism teach that attachment is where a lot of our suffering comes from and in pondering that thought, I have to say that I agree. So, I've been thinking a lot about impermanence over the past week as it pertains to children.

There's nothing permanent about children. Everything changes in a heartbeat. Sometimes I find myself being grateful for the impermanence and sometimes sorrowful. Here's my short list:

Toddler Screaming - grateful
Toddler Laughs - sorrowful
Pre-adolescent sass - grateful
Pre-adolescent hugs and still wanting to spend time with mom and be tucked in - sorrowful
Feeling like this is really hard right now - grateful
Feeling like this is going by way too fast - sorrowful


Most of the time, however, I've found that it's all mixed up and that things aren't so cut and dried as to be "I love this part and I hate that part". It's called motherhood. I hear the noise the kids make and sometimes it can be deafening but then I know that someday my house will be quiet and I will realize that I no longer have babies to run around and make noise or little boys who are arguing over who claimed which Bionicle first and I know I will miss that. The sheer scope of taking out 4 children can sometimes challenge any logistical specialist but someday I will gaze wistfully at another mom lugging her 4 kids around the grocery store and whisper to her that I've been there and yes, she will survive it too. And on days when the laundry is piled to the ceiling begging to be folded and no horizontal surfaces are recognizable, I remember that someday, my kids will be grown and there will be time for cleaning then.

All of these things just make me grateful for each and every moment that I have. I am grateful to be alive each and every day. Grateful to see my children and to be able to raise them and be a part of their everyday lives. I'm grateful for all of the lessons I can learn when things are hard and for the deep breaths I can take when things are moving along nicely for a moment. To steal a line from an unknown source (and probably butcher it) "the days last forever and the years go by in a heartbeat." Ain't that the truth! And so as I close my eyes tonight knowing that I will never again live this day, I will be grateful to have lived it and look forward to another day filled with impermanence tomorrow.

Olympics

Since our babies were born many things in our household, which were once so easy, have now become equal to an Olympic sport. Here are a few of the categories we now engage in daily:

- Diaper Changing Event: involves changing a baby who wants to be on their tummy and on the other side of the room. In this event, mommy must clean up and rediaper the baby before the poop gets all over the carpet which often involves holding the baby with one hand, holding the baby's arms down with her calves and using the other hand to wring out and use the wipes and then position the diaper and diaper cover. In the Gold Medal Round, second baby comes to nurse in the middle of the diaper changing. Switch babies and repeat.

- Removing Toddlers from the Laundry Room Event: the goal here is to remove both babies from the laundry room and shut the door without pinching any fingers. The challenge is that both babies find the laundry room to be fascinating what with the spinning and the water and the bottles and buckets of things lying hither and yon. This often involves taking one baby, placing him outside of the room, turning around to grab the other baby and putting him outside of the room to find that the first baby has returned to the laundry room and the process needs to be repeated until both babies are on the outside of the room. This is not as easy as it sounds.

- Getting to the Toilet before it Finishes Flushing Event coupled with the It's Awfully Quiet, are the Babies in the Bathroom Event: This event is often marked by 2 babies screaming in delight as something is either put into or removed from (yep) the toilet and often involves most of a roll of toilet paper which never loses its appeal and because the roll is constantly being replaced, the fun just keeps on coming. The bonus round is in effect when 2 babies emerge from the bathroom soaking wet and you don't want to know how that happened. Cue baths.

- Homeschool Event: involves trying to do lessons with one child while the other child plays with the babies and trying to convince the first child that it is indeed in his best interest to just get it done so we can stop having this conversation and get on with our day. This event is often interrupted by babies breaking into the school room and systematically removing everything from the shelves and either standing on it or putting it into their mouths or climbing up and pushing all of the buttons on one of the computers or keyboards. The bonus is that the older children will someday have unshakable focus due to all of this chaos and somehow, they are learning a ton. Whew!

- Nursing Event: this is the most varied event as it can take on many different faces. Some include nursing while reading, nursing while knitting, nursing while typing at the computer, nursing while teaching, nursing while cooking, nursing while changing a diaper of the other baby, nursing while scrapbooking, nursing while grocery shopping, nursing while chasing other toddler through the Science Museum, nursing while vacuuming or sweeping, nursing while sleeping, nursing while eating, nursing while on a walk,. This is only a partial list and most are greatly aided by the use of a sling. The Gold Medal round involves nursing both of them at the same time while doing any of the aforementioned activities. Note that a baby will notice any time you are sitting still for any length of time and will believe that to be time to nurse. This is also relevant when you are doing yoga and are lying on your back and the toddler comes and lies on top of you and nurses which ultimately just increases the intensity of your core strengthening poses so that must count for something.

- Decathalon: this is our most challenging event as it takes all of the resources that a mother has and puts them all to the test simultaneously. It often looks like this: mommy's in the kitchen making dinner, nursing one babe while the other is either hanging on her leg or playing nearby (probably emptying a cupboard) and at the same time is teaching math to one older child and reviewing spelling words with the other. Yes, I have done this one many times!

Giving birth is a magnificent experience which takes everything a woman has and is. It takes her to her deepest place and in the end, it empowers her and makes her who she is: a mother. We earn that title and going through the birth process gets us ready for the Olympics of Motherhood.

Dinner

Players:

DH: Darling Husband
M: Darling Son #1 age 9 1/2
G: Darling Son #2 age 7 and 5/6
S: Darling Son #3 age 18 months
C: Darling Son #4 age 18 months
Me/narrator

Curtain opens in the kitchen. DH is gone for the night and I have recently discovered that my refrigerator age: 2 years, is not working. I discovered this when I opened the freezer to find a container full of water where ice used to be. G had taken S and C out back to play which was going well. Believing that it was only the freezer that was afflicted, I emptied it and carried everything down to the basement freezer and then cleaned all of the melted ice cream out of the bottom of the freezer. This all ends at approximately 6pm.

Time to make dinner. G, S and C enter stage left. S and C are fussing and G is talking about getting a snack because he's hungry and is incredulous at the suggestion that he wait because I'm about to make dinner. I proceed to make dinner amidst the rotating fussing, screaming and crying all while trying to placate the noisemakers with the food that I had already prepared without much success. S wants to be held so I am now preparing dinner with one hand while C proceeds to climb up onto the kitchen table to see what he can do to "help" from there.

Time to eat the aforementioned dinner. I take C off the table and discover that his legs are now covered in what used to be raspberries but now look like fake blood running down his legs. Because I still have S in the other hand and he is refusing to be put into his high chair, I take C with the other hand and maneuver him into his chair. I then take a chunk of cheese and use it to bribe S to get him into his chair. In the middle of all of this, G takes the opportunity to ask if he and M can split a can of root beer. I say yes. Feeling lucky, he asks if they can each have their own. I say no. He goes downstairs to retrieve the can of root beer while M gets out glasses. He pours, G chooses. They measure carefully. After getting S and C into their chairs, I continue to get dinner onto the table while intermittently tossing food onto high chair trays for the babes to systematically devour. I finally sit down to eat and C decides that he must have a drink of my N/A beer right now or the world might just possibly end. I proceed to be the worst mother on earth and say no while trying to distract him with a nice drink of water. It's not working. He tries again. I try again. Still not working. He proceeds to say "please?" through tears. I still don't budge. Cue screaming.

Mid dinner break. C continues the high pitched screaming and I determine that he is done eating and tired because he took a 1 hour nap instead of a 2 hour nap and had a restless night last night. I'm brilliant. I clean him up and go to get his pajamas on. I open the diaper to find a pile of pea gravel. Nice. Diaper changed, jammies on. We go upstairs for bed. A few minutes later, he's out. I go back downstairs to continue my now cold dinner and warm beer to discover that M has been very helpful and gotten S cleaned up and out of his chair and is starting to clean the kitchen. I finish my dinner and then hear yelling coming from the back yard.

Back yard brawl. I go out back to see G crying, shaking his fist and yelling at neighbor kid who has come back to play. It's over Bakugan and is highly volatile. I call them together and assess the situation brilliantly explaining that neither hitting nor calling names are an effective way to communicate and play. I send M in to find S who is now taking apart the school room. Meanwhile, a scream is heard from the upstairs window. Apparently, it was a nap.

Bedtime blues. I go inside to convince C that it wasn't a nap, this is indeed bedtime. All is going well and his eyes are beginning to close when the bedroom door bangs open and in lumbers S. This is no longer going well. I set C in the bed and run downstairs to put S in his pajamas. More rocks in the diaper. DH calls to check in and as I'm unloading our evening on him, he has the nerve to tell me I'm being crabby which results in me yelling "I'm having a hell night!" and hanging up. He's so wrong. I take S and run back upstairs to the distraught C. We all climb into bed to nurse and cuddle but after 15 minutes, it becomes apparent that this is not going to lead to sleep for anyone. I climb out of bed and turn on a video so I can sneak downstairs for a few minutes. I'm nearly done cleaning the kitchen when DH enters ready to help. Apparently my message was clear and I decide that he no longer needs to sleep on the couch tonight as I had very rationally determined to be appropriate after the phone call. He takes on the emptying of the broken refrigerator which is rapidly heating up while I continue cleaning the kitchen. This is all finished just as the video upstairs ends and the natives become restless.

Bedtime take 3? I go upstairs to once again try for sleep and once again, it's not happening. DH comes in and takes S while I work on C. I hear DH leave the bedroom after a few short minutes as S has fallen asleep and I see C's eyes close so I dare to lay him down. 1 second later, he's up and the screaming ensues. He's apparently not tired due to the mid dinner nap.

Finally, after cuddle time with daddy and playtime with G, he's really ready for bed. I take him upstairs and as he's falling asleep for real, I can't help but think how blessed I am to have 4 beautiful, healthy children and a wonderful, supportive husband. I am so grateful.

Behind

We're behind. Again. I feel like I'm always saying or thinking this these days. It's amazing how this house can go from blissfully neat to tornadic in a heartbeat. It's one of the things I didn't count on when we added the twins. I feel like I'm always looking at cluttered surfaces, socks on the floor, shoes strewn about, toys everywhere. It's to the point where it's almost like an added challenge course: can she make dinner without stepping on any of the magnets, pots and trucks that are lying on the floor? I'm currently listening to the twins taking every lid I own out of the Tupperware cupboard and toss them gleefully onto the floor. It's a happy sound. They're singing and tossing with the occasional shriek of excitement mixed with deep concentration. It's things like this that get me to thinking about why I care so much if I'm "behind" and what does that mean for us anyway? Would I rather have a spotless house into which I'm ready to invite anyone who may drop by for a visit (like that happens) or happy kids? Can they co-exist? Maybe but I'm sure that story begins with "Once upon a time". Are people who live in unnaturally clean homes happier than I am? Less stressed? I doubt it. I've gone through my phases of being the mom who cleans up everything every time something gets dropped. I wasn't any happier than I am now. In fact, I was probably more stressed thinking about what I had to clean up next and feeling frustrated that the kids were undoing everything I had JUST done. The audacity of toddlers. I made the conscious choice to give that up years ago. I didn't want to be that mom who missed her children's formative years because I was scrubbing the kitchen floor for the third time today. But now, I'm behind. Or maybe not. Maybe I just need to shift my thinking and accept that we do what we can during the week and do a full house pickup and cleaning each weekend and then Savior Sarah can come and help deep clean every-so-often. That's been our pattern for the past few months and it's working quite well. Everyone seems to be clothed, we have food to eat, our house isn't (to my knowledge) infested with anything creepy or crawly, there are SOME surfaces that I can see most of the time and it makes it all the more satisfying when we reset everything on the weekend. We can really see that we've made a difference and our whole family has worked together to make it happen. We're a team. It works for us...most of the time. We missed our weekend cleanup this weekend so we're going to do it today. By the end of the day, our laundry will be done, we'll be able to see all of the counters, desks, tables and floors, I'll have a lovely dinner waiting for my husband when he comes home, the children will dream of sugarplums...wait, wrong story. Whatever it is at the end of the day, it will be what's right for us. I can have a clean house when my kids are grown and at that point, I'll probably reminisce fondly over picking up socks and family cleanup weekends. Until then, I'll be blissfully behind.