Stop It!!!

I had a moment. You know, one of those pure moments that we have in life. Moments where time seems to stand still and everything becomes clear, authentic and true for that one moment. Well, I had one the other day. We were at the park with all of the kids. Tim was following S and I was following C while the older boys where off playing. C was climbing everything and running everywhere and just having a ball. He came up to one of those bridges that moves when you jump on it or run fast. He'd never encountered one before and just knew that this was something different so he slowed down and carefully stepped on it. He decided he liked it and kept going. As he made his way across, he got more confident and just after he hit the halfway point, the moment happened. He had this amazing look on his face. He was carefree, had a huge, toothy grin on his face, his eyes shone and he embodied pure joy. And for just a split second, time stood still. When it started again, I had a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. Those moments are so precious and so fleeting and I had this overwhelming urge to cry out to the Universe "stop it!!" Stop making time go by so quickly. Stop making my babies grow up. I just want to be here, now, in this pure moment forever. So just stop it!

I think about how many of those moments I've had with my children over the past 9 1/2 years and I'm happy to say that there have been many. There were 1 of them each time I held that new little person for the first time. I cried on the way home from the hospital with M knowing that every second, he was getting older and knowing that I had no control over that. His birthdays are always hard for me. I spend the weeks before it amazed that he's going to be 1, 2, 3, 4....and soon 10. That's double digits. Serious stuff! I remember on his last birthday realizing that this is the halfway point. We're half done with him. I know, of course, that once a parent always a parent but we all know that a huge thing typically happens at age 18 - our babies become adults and then they make their own plans and start living their own lives and we are happy for them but can't help going back to those moments in our hearts where he was just handed to me for the first time. I don't think that will ever go away.

Even Tim, who is notoriously unnostalgic, was caught off-guard when he took M to get on the bus for his first day of ski club this year. He came home saying that he watched him get on and just teared up. He looked so little! I was happy to hear that I'm not the only one.

I have spent countless hours watching the cherubic face of G sleeping or studying something or grinning ear-to-ear. He's so beautiful and his soul is so pure. His passion is endless and it comes out all over the place these days and then he'll turn and look at me with his HUGE brown eyes and I feel the world slowing down for that one moment and all of the drama is gone. He's my baby again. We are forever bonded.

I spent about 2 weeks moping about last fall, obsessing about the beautiful, amazing, incredible homebirth that brought our twins into this world. I poured over our pictures dozens of times and read and re-read the birth records written by my friend and the midwives. I finally mentioned it to one of my midwives and she noted that the twins' birthdays were coming up. Yes! That must be why. I've never had a year in my life go by so quickly as the first year with my twins did. I must have blinked too long because it was over that fast. I was determined to be present during that year and not just to survive it. I think I did as well as I could. We had many moments during that first year and I'm grateful for them because they are the ones that stick with me - even through mommy brain! The many realizations I had when they were new that there are 2! And they both came out of me! Watching them relate to each other and to their world around them was priceless and it never gets old.

People very often ask me why we homeschool. My answer is very simple. I homeschool because I'm selfish. I only get 18 short years with these little beings and I want to be there for every "moment". There are, of course, many other reasons as well but this one is my standard and I like how it tends to make people think for a moment.

I think that it's these moments that sometimes help us get through the day. Our days are not always easy. There are the needs of 6 people in this house to consider and that can be really challenging to balance but we seem to be doing just fine. I'll continue to look at my kids and ask them to please, please stop growing. Take your shortening, run backwards, whatever it takes! But I know that it's the nature of life to grow up and I'm so honored to be their mom and to be with them every day. And to the Universe I say "Stop it!!!"